The darker it gets the more I feel the fear creep in. I’m a morning bird, I love waking up to the sun shinning through the window and the smell of coffee brewing. I think I love the morning so much because it’s the start to a new day, start to a dirty blank sheet of paper ready to be written on. I say dirty because it’s recycled from the days before. I’ve learned that the past always sticks around and sometimes I have trouble erasing it off my new page but once I do the dust lingers or in other words the pain does. I can let go, but I’m still working on the forgetting part. I like the mornings because I feel inspired to have a purposeful day. Usually I prefer a busy day, although that has been more of a challenge recently due to COVID-19. As I write that word I shiver, for too many reasons to count. I’m sitting in a room with a huge bed and my comfy blanket Gabe made me for graduation. I’m under white lights and behind me is a heart made out of light with polaroids of our life in the middle. I feel calm, relaxed, numb. I know that I have been pushing so many people away and for those that feel hurt by me, I’m sorry. I don’t have more to say at the current moment but know that I’m sorry and that one day when my vision is cleared I will make things right again. Now please excuse my following language but I feel I must express something. Life’s a bitch.
Goodnight,
Ananda